Good morning, folks.
I come to you today because I have uncovered an insidious plot that is being perpetrated upon the men of America that has hardly been noticed.
I was talking to a fellow American male friend of mine, Rick, the other day, and he mentioned that he had received a gift certificate for Father’s day that allowed him to get a free manicure and pedicure.
I, being a manly man, and unaware that getting manicures and pedicures was an acceptable practice for men, assumed that this was the beginning some type of joke or humorous anecdote, and replied with the obligatory, “Then What?”
He looked at me, slightly offended, and offered up his hands for me to appreciate the manner in which his nails had been clipped and then he pointed out what great condition his cuticles were in. He was thrilled with the way his hands looked.
I mumbled something along the lines of, “Umm Humm… would you look at that…” and then made my hasty retreat back to the safety of my own house, before he had a chance to take off his shoes and show me his toe nails. (I still have nightmares that he showed them to me. In my nightmares, they were painted.)
As soon as I was home, I removed Rick’s phone number from my cell phone, burned his business card, and used white out to remove him from the list of poker buddies who regularly host our weekly game. He is dead to me now.
I thought about it, and realized that this woosification of the American Male has been happening for some time now. It has slowly seeped into many facets of our everyday life, seemingly unnoticed, and slowly degrading manhood, and has probably irreparably damaged the image of what a true, manly man is.
Among the more obvious signs of the emasculation of the American Male are:
“Product” for men’s hair. (This means Hair Gel or “Mousse”.) Some type of goop to make hair “healthy and bouncy, and give it body.”
Men are no longer expected to use a bar of soap in the shower, but now are using “Shower Gel” and “Body Wash”.
There is now Hair Dye just for men. A little grey used to mean we were experienced or distinguished. Not anymore.
They even have Hair Dye specifically for Men’s Beards !!!
Waxing. Men are waxing to rid themselves of body hair. This was once a sign of virility and manliness.
Sandals. Men are wearing sandals.
But don’t be fooled into complacency thinking that these are the only signs. Many others, which are much more subtle, are out there. I have begun to trace this phenomenon back, trying to find its origins, and have found that it goes much deeper than the casual observer would believe.
I have, so far, pieced together a trail of events, each of which extracted another chip off of the foundation of true manliness. Below are some of those events.
The Advent of Starbucks. Men should just drink coffee. No cream, no sugar. Definitely no “Soy macchiato Latte”. Just Hot, Black Coffee.
Light Beer. Men should never drink light beer. Men should drink Dark Beer. Or Ale. In a Stein, a Mug, or a Bottle. No cans.
V6 Engines. Men should drive muscle cars, or pick up trucks, with huge, loud, powerful V8 engines. (4 cylinder engines are for motorcycles and lawn tractors only.)
Unleaded Gasoline: Huge Powerful V8 Engines need high octane, leaded gasoline.
2 ply toilet paper: Men are tough. We don’t need two-ply toilet paper.
Filter Cigarettes: Did you ever see Robert Mitchum, or Jimmy Cagney, smoke a filtered cigarette? If Men smoke, they roll their own, or smoke cigars.
As I have recognized each of these small things that take away another little nugget of manhood from us, I have banished them from my own life, as I hope all men will do. There is a principal here that we must observe, and that is that we are MEN, with a capital M, and that we are tough and rough and we don’t care if our hands are smooth or our backs are hairy.
I have developed a strategy for use in determining if an action or product is part of the “Project Emasculation” and now I use it as a litmus test in determining my purchases and actions.
If I see something in a store, or someone invites me to do something, I close my eyes, and ask myself “What would Humphrey Bogart do?”
I then close my eyes, and try to imagine him using the product, or participating in the activity. If I cannot, I classify the activity or product as UnManly, and move on. If I have no problem imagining Humphrey Bogart, then I feel free to participate myself, as Humphrey Bogart was a true, manly man.
If you can think of others, please help me in warning the male population by listing them in the comments section.
Be careful, my friends. Be alert. Be vigilant. And always, always ask, “WWHBD?”
C of H in mind at all times, please.